February 2018. I was dealing with the recent Big Country gong show. I was a hot mess. My girls were such fabulous supporters through the entire process. I swear I called Cheese and Miss D two or three times a day; and if I wasn’t speaking on the phone with them, I was at their houses. I went to Lady G’s office for my daily bull session with her and J-Cat. I was so hung up on him.
All I wanted was to shake him off; stop obsessing.
I missed my confidence and self-esteem.
During one visit with Cheese, we started talking about one of her hubby’s good friends. I had met him once before, when Big Country and I started seeing each other. I remembered that he seemed cool.
She gushed about how great he was. He had his shit together and he was a genuinely nice and good person. She told me that when he visited their house, he was great with the kids. It sounded promising. Maybe he was what I needed and wanted. She said she understood if I wasn’t ready to jump into something, but to at least consider hanging out with him. I know she wanted to see me happy and thought that he could possibly evoke that in me. I told her I’d think about it.
Stats. Lived in Scarborough. Never been married. No kids. He had been single for a couple of years. The last relationship he was in was serious; they had lived together for some time. They broke up about two years prior. He worked for the TTC as a collector (the exact job that my dad retired from which I thought was a crazy coincidence). He lived in his parent’s basement, saving money for a house. He owned a trailer. He owned a boat. He was ready for a relationship.
March 2018. I needed a distraction, so I called Cheese and gave her permission to share my phone number with TTC. She was excited. She was so cute about it ; she said there wasn’t any pressure; to have a good time, relax and not worry about Big Country, etc.
I was excited at the prospect of dating someone so close to Cheese. I knew that TTC would go over to their place to watch sports and hang out; which is the exact same thing I did with her (with the addition of wine and/or vodka). I thought, if this worked out, we would hang out all the time together as couples. It could be great.
Red Flag – I was still on the mindset that I could only be happy if I had a man in my life. I never really stopped hunting; and I didn’t stop settling for less.
Anyway, he phoned me shortly after Cheese gave him my number. I liked the sound of his voice. The first few conversations were pretty run of the mill. He had a good sense of humour; he sounded outgoing.
Bear’s Passing. I learned one early morning that a dear friend passed away of a heart attack. He wasn’t old and he had been smoke-free for a while at that point. I was in complete shock.
The first thing I did was take a walk. I was in a daze. The second thing I did was call Big Country since he knew Bear. He had found out earlier that morning. It was the first time I had spoken to Big Country since we had lunch weeks before. He was pretty shaken up. He told me the details of what happened and said he would call me when funeral arrangements were available.
After work that day I went over to Miss D’s for comfort. We drank some wine and shot the shit as we always did. I instantly felt better when I was with her.
TTC phoned me while I was at her place. We chatted for a bit and he suggested that we meet up. He was willing to come to Ajax. I was in such a sad and foggy haze that I agreed. This could be a nice distraction so I suggested that he meet me at the Portley.
I told Miss D about my plans and she told me to have fun but not get too excited and try not to kiss him. That made me laugh. She knew how I felt about Big Country; how I was so not over him and I wasn’t in a healed state of mind.
When I arrived, he was seated at a table in the bar area which already made me more comfortable (I prefer sitting at the bar versus the dining room in any establishment). He got up when he saw me and gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek. He looked exactly like how I remembered; he was attractive enough, but I was not gaga. I wasn’t a huge fan of the multi-patterned silk-like t-shirt he was wearing either, but that was just aesthetics. At that moment, I needed someone who I could talk to and have fun with.
We got along just fine. He was polite and carried the conversation well. We had a few drinks and shared some appetizers. We talked the way most people do on a first “date” (or whatever you want to call it), which sometimes reminds me of an awkward job interview.
He had been working for the TTC for over 10 years. He was saving money to buy a house, which is why he lived in his parent’s basement and worked a lot of overtime. He got along with his parents well, especially his mom, who he claimed was like his best friend. He had traveled a bit throughout his life, but nothing recent. He enjoyed sports and spending summer vacation in his trailer.
For the most part, even though he was nice, he was kind of boring; and unfortunately, I still had Big Country residue on my mind.
Anyway, I had messaged Vic about my Portley plans. He showed up at the bar with our friend Paddington, wasted. They immediately zoned in on us when they arrived. Vic hugged TTC and mentioned that he liked the texture of his t-shirt (I tried not to laugh). We ended up doing a bunch of shots with them and eventually, they left and did their own thing. Vic is relentless when he is drunk – super emotional and dramatic; he becomes a real close talker.
At one point TTC got up to order drinks at the bar. When he returned to the table, he kissed me before sitting down. He was a good kisser, but it caught me off guard. It felt too soon.
At the end of the night he again got up, but this time to pay the bill. I phoned Miss D and told her that a kiss happened. She yelled at me and I laughed. I told her that he kissed me without warning. She and I had a good little chat before he came back.
The shots left me too drunk to drive so I left my car at the bar. He drove us home and I offered that he stay over if he didn’t want to drive back to Scarborough. Vic agreed that he could stay in his man cave with him.
When we got to my place, my other roommate (aka, mom) was not fucking happy. First, she was pissed that I got wasted on a first date and second, I asked a stranger to sleep over. She downright refused. I understood and so did he.
He left without incident, but plenty of cut-eye from mother.
We chatted in the days after. I was kind of embarrassed at how drunk I got at the Portley. He wasn’t phased by it. He wanted to see me again. I wasn’t so keen, but wasn’t ready to give up either.
Vic said that I could do better. I felt like he always discounted the guys who I dated too quickly, but at the end of the day, he was never wrong. I told Vic everything (and still do). He just wanted me to be happy. He was sick and fucking tired of the men that were in and out of my life. He rarely approved of the guys I dated, and rightfully so.
The Funeral. Big Country called the day after my “date” with TTC. He gave me the funeral details and suggested we go together.
That Saturday I met him at his parent’s house. They weren’t home that morning. He bought us breakfast, which was actually sweet. While we ate, he initiated conversation about his feelings for me. He said that he wasn’t seeing anybody else, he wasn’t fucking anyone else, that he missed me terribly and that he was in love with me. Yes, on the day of a friends’ funeral, he took the inopportune moment to tell me that he fucking loved me. I was confused, angry and excited. I had spent the last year trying to convince this man to love me. I hoped to hear those words. Did he really feel this way, or was he just all fucked up because of Bear’s passing?
You know, my gut did not actually feel true love or care when he spoke to me; but yet, I allowed myself to believe him to a degree.
He continued the conversation. He told me that he hoped that we would end up together, but he needed to figure his shit out. He said I was an amazing woman and a real catch.
What the fuck?!
I couldn’t process it all.
On top of that, I thought it was a good idea to fool around just before leaving for the funeral. It really only consisted of him going down on me on the couch. It was quick, unsatisfying and awkward more than anything else.
He was affectionate during the funeral, putting his arms around me, kissing me.
I couldn’t process it all.
We went back to his parents’ place afterward. It was good to see them, but I had too much going on in my head. Big Country and I ate lunch while we talked with his parents. I headed home shortly after. Big Country told me he loved me and that “we’d talk soon”.
Run Poppy. Fucking run.
When I got home, I took a quick cat nap and headed to the pub for St. Paddy’s Day celebrations with Vic and the crew. I told them what had transpired between Big Country and I. They, too, were confused by his profession of love. I was skeptical about it and they were even more so, but I can’t lie, I was intrigued and excited.
Big Country messaged me that night, asked me if I wanted to hang out the next day. I was shocked. He said it was Sean’s birthday and he’d like it if I joined him. I immediately agreed. He ended the convo with another “I love you”.
Again, I couldn’t process it all.
Run Poppy. Fucking run.
I told Vic and Paddington about my plans and they weren’t too keen on Big Country at this point; but they said as long as I was happy, they would be supportive. We had a great night at the pub. I was energized by my plans with Big Country the next day.
When I got to his house, I felt weird. I hadn’t been there since the New Year’s Eve debacle. I wanted to snoop around, but refrained. We didn’t stay at his place for too long. We headed to a restaurant in Bowmanville for the birthday. We arrived early and immediately ordered drinks. He drove so I could indulge. I definitely didn’t feel any sparks or value from hanging out with him, but nonetheless, I was happy to be there.
I was still hopeful for the possibility of “us”. Silly Poppy.
We had a good time with everyone; but it was unsettling not knowing what the fuck was happening.
We had sex that night and it was just as mediocre as I remembered.
I left him the next morning. I didn’t know what to expect going forward and I didn’t ask.
That day at work, I immediately had a conference with Lady G and J-Cat. I told them everything about Big Country. They could see that although I was confused by his sentiments, I was still interested and hopeful. I think the reaction on their faces said it all; that Big Country was full of shit and his profession of love was suspect (or was it me that deep down felt this?) They were again, supportive, despite their reservations.
Miss D and Cheese were totally shocked by Big Country updates. They were enthusiastic about the possibilities. They said that I needed to continue doing my thing and maybe, hopefully he’d come around. I swear, the two of them told me the exact same things but in different words.
I saw TTC again, shortly after the funeral/Big Country weekend. We met up at the Keg for dinner. It was good, but I was a tad bored. I had thought maybe the boredom I felt the last time was because it was our first time hanging out together. I was wrong. The conversation was unsustainable and I just wasn’t attracted to him. There were many instances of silence where we ended up watching the monitors at the bar. This was not a good sign. The most exciting things we talked about was our love of shoes and tattoos. That got old, quickly.
We did, however, talk on the phone almost daily. We were better on the phone than in person. He was sweet. He seemed really into me. I wished that I was into him.
I knew this wasn’t going anywhere romantically.
I touched base with Cheese and told her how I felt. She wondered if I was holding back because of Big Country. I think that was part of it. The other part was that my mind and heart were in disarray.
TTC and I we went out a couple more times. We hadn’t kissed since the first time we went out. I think my body language spoke volumes, which is why he never tried to make any moves on me. I wasn’t attracted to him sexually at all.
The last date really sealed the deal that I couldn’t be anything more than just friends with him. When I approached the restaurant, he was smoking outside. We made small talk while he finished smoking and then headed in. We barely talked. I felt like I didn’t have anything more to share, which was unlike me. Most of the time you can’t get me to shut up. I could always find something to talk about, especially with someone new. We spent most of dinner watching the Leaf game and eating in silence.
When we parted ways, I knew I was never going to see him again. We messaged each other a few times after that, but it faded, naturally.
I haven’t seen or spoken to him since.
I told Cheese I just wasn’t into him. She totally understood.
Recently, Cheese shared some photos of her and the family up at TTC’s trailer. When I looked at him in each photo, I felt nothing but turned off. The man was wearing a do-rag. I mean, a hat or a bandana, anything else would’ve been acceptable, but a fucking do-rag?! The man doesn’t even have hair.
Lessons Learned:
- Delving right back into dating after Big Country was not a good idea. I was too invested and broken. My head and heart were in a fog. As I reflect, the way I felt after Big Country was similar to how I felt after dating the last batch of guys; completely defeated and lost.
- Trying to force oneself to like someone just because they’re nicer than the guy you dated before doesn’t work.
- Someone who breaks up with you AND THEN professes their love for you is a manipulative liar. Big Country never loved me. He literally showed me the complete opposite of what love is. He dangled the carrot just enough for me to hang on and believe that he was going to give me what I wanted.
- Be alone. I needed to re-learn how to love myself. I focused on trying to fill a void and kill time just because I was “Single” again. My gut needed a break on being on high alert for so long. I needed to focus on discovering what really made me happy.
- I needed to reset and surround myself with people who made me a better person; who supported and loved me without an agenda and unconditionally. I was giving love and care to the wrong fucking people.
- Be GRATEFUL for my ride or die’s. I don’t know where I would be without them.
- I will never date a bald, caucasian man who rocks a do-rag.
