May 2015. He reached out to me first on Match. I checked his profile and nothing stood out as super unique or spectacular; but on the surface, things seemed “normal” (although they all appear fucking normal until you start peeling back the layers).
About two weeks after emailing back and forth, we decided to meet up at Milestone’s when I was done work. I was super nervous and called Miss D before going in. She helped me breathe through the moment and relax.
I sent him a message saying I had arrived. As I walked up to the entrance, I saw him exiting his truck and watched him walk toward me. He was tall (like 6’3”) and lean (skinnier than in his photos). He was wearing a gray golf shirt, jeans and flip-flops. Meh, wasn’t really a fan of the look; but he had nice hair and he was handsome.
He was full of jokes as soon as we walked in. It was refreshing to be able to laugh with someone right off the bat. The eye contact from his big brown eyes was intense. Our conversation was super engaging and he shared a lot. He was 42 and separated. He had four kids, three boys and a girl; ages 6-16. He lived in Brighton (another hike for me – an hour and a half away) with his mom. He was a prisoner transfer officer for the Ontario Provincial Police. He owned a motorcycle and enjoyed the outdoors. He explained that he wasn’t rushing to divorce his ex because she didn’t work and it was better that she stayed on his benefits. Fuck, I didn’t know what to think of that one. It was too soon for me to process it all.
Red Flag #1 – The motherfucker was still married. I think I accepted it at the time because he was “honest” and told me about it up front. (Rolling eyes at myself)
After dinner, I excused myself to go to the ladies’ room. When I returned, he made the comment of, “yup, that’s a good ass”. I just looked at him, in surprise. Then he sat next to me and, in what sounded like a joking tone, said, “at least I didn’t ask to go down on you under the table.” I laughed it off, but was shocked. He sat there laughing. I merely said “what the fuck?”
Red Flag #2 – any man who makes remarks such as those above, on the first date (or ever as not all women would be into this type of talk), is fucked. I love dirty/kinky talk, but damn, this was our first face-to-face encounter and he was already throwing down perverted comments. Offside.
In true Poppy fashion, I turned a blind eye to it. This may be hard to believe, but he had some fucking charisma. The rest of our evening was spent talking and laughing. At one point he leaned in and kissed me. It was decent; his lips were thin. Shortly after, we exited the restaurant and he kissed me again. We parted ways and he sent me a message later that night about how excited he was to get to know me.
The next day I was in a staff meeting taking minutes. T and I were sending each other emails about my date. I told her I would give a full update as soon as the meeting was over.
I never actually told anyone about the offside comments. I knew that no one would be ok with any of it.
Since T’s brother-in-law worked for the Ontario Provincial Police as well, she asked if I wanted her to do some digging for me; fuck yes, I did.
A few days later she asked me to go to her office. She had some info and asked me if I was sure I wanted to know; I totally did. How bad could his reviews be?
She opened up an email forwarded by her brother-in-law who got the lowdown from a female officer who had dated OPP. Her email was long. She was candid and her tone seemed genuine. I wish I had that email. The gist of it was that he was attentive and a lot of fun at the beginning (as most men can be at the start). As they spent more together, she discovered that he was truly emotionally unavailable and immature. She described him as an alcoholic with deep-seated emotional issues. So, eventually (and quite naturally) the combination of his psychological instability and alcoholic baggage was too much for her which led to the end of their relationship.
Red Flag #3 – Please re-read the paragraph above.
Poppy’s Repetitive Pattern – Ignoring Red Flags. I read her email a few times and then decided to ignore the warning. I told myself that I was a different woman and this will be a different experience. Everyone deserves a chance, no? How bad could an emotionally unavailable alcoholic be? (I can feel you shaking your head as I shake my own.)
I thanked T for her recognizance and told her I would take the information seriously, but wouldn’t discount OPP just yet. It was also possible that the female officer was bitter, right? (I didn’t actually believe this, but convinced enough of myself of it at the time).
He picked me up for our second date a week later. We went to the Black Hoof downtown (I would recommend this place, but it closed in August 2018). We had a good time. Woodcock actually phoned me during that evening. I sent him a text telling him that I was on a date and he needed to stop contacting me. Anyway, we shared some horse tartare, bison sliders and a few other items. It was all so delicious! We had a few drinks and then walked around the city. When we got back to his truck, he threw me into it and we were horizontal, making out hot and heavy. It was pretty fucking awesome. After a few minutes of smooching and heavy petting he dropped me off at home.
We texted and spoke daily. He made me laugh and would send me photos of him with his kids. I honestly thought there was potential. I was excited, but I was always excited at first. He even came by my work a couple of times to surprise me with Starbucks.
We decided to go to Niagara Falls one weekend shortly after our second date. I was at a girls’ night with my Biz ladies, and he agreed to pick me up from there and then we would head to my house. I told the girls all about him and they were excited to meet him. They asked me why I called him OPP, so I explained my “ninety days or less” rule. They were all into it.
We decided that when he got there, we would greet him as if we were expecting a stripper. So, when he messaged me that he was parking his truck, I told him to walk right in. We set ourselves up in the family room, seven ladies hungry for a pretend stripper with money in hand. As soon as he entered, we were hooting and hollering at him to take his clothes off. It was hilarious! He was definitely surprised and didn’t have much of a reaction. If he was the right type of guy with a good sense of humour, this could have been fucking amazing. I introduced him to everyone once we stopped laughing our asses off.
He sat with us while we drank and chatted. He had a good rapport with everyone. We headed to my house after a couple of hours.
When we got to my house my roommate came out of her bedroom. She was surprised to see a man coming up the stairs towards her; and none too pleased. I introduced OPP to her and she just didn’t give a shit. I could tell she just wanted him out of the house. I told her he was staying over and we were going to Niagara early the next day. She didn’t bother trying to entertain him. She turned and went back into her bedroom.
At this point we hadn’t slept together. We fooled around in my bed and it made me excited for what was to come the next night.
We got up early. He went to Starbucks and grabbed me a latte while I got ready. We got to Niagara around noon. We had some time to kill before checking into our hotel so we sat on a patio, drinking. It was a beautiful day and our PDA was intense; we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other.
Once we finally checked in, it was game over. We made a couple of drinks and essentially jumped each other. The sex was pretty good, but not great. We hit your standard positions – missionary, doggy-style, cowgirl, 69. He wasn’t that talented in going down, probably because he had really only been with his ex…who knows?
Anyway, when he got up, I checked out his ass. It was a scene man. He was a skinny, tall man and the little bit of ass that he had was droopy and saggy. I hadn’t seen anything like it. He had no muscle tone whatsoever. What a fucking shame because the potential was definitely there. The man has never squatted a day in his life.
After a few more drinks, we showered, got ready and walked around Clifton Hill. I’ve been there at least a hundred times, but the kitschy-ness of it all never fails to entertain. We had dinner at the Keg which was lovely. I fucking love steak and lobster.
Once our bellies were full, we hit the casino. I was winning at the slots so I asked him to grab us a couple of beers so that I wouldn’t lose my machine. He was not happy with my request. He made it sound like I was treating him like a waiter. I hadn’t asked him for shit before this point. I shrugged it off. He eventually went off and grabbed the drinks. What was the big fucking deal? I was paying for them anyway. Ugh.
I broke even and we went back to the hotel. We were drunk by this point and continued to drink in the room. We fucked one more time (I made sure not to look at his ass) and passed out.
We woke up early, had sex and started the morning with some shots of whiskey. We decided on IHOP for breakfast. It hit the fucking spot. I ordered pancakes with bacon – lots of syrup and butter on top. He was stressing out because his ex was messaging him, asking him to pick up the kids earlier than expected. He asked me what he should do; I told him it wasn’t my place to tell. He kept bitching and complaining. I finally said that he should just tell her the truth – that he was out of town and wouldn’t be back until later that evening. Fuck man, figure it out. He finally messaged her back and we enjoyed the rest of the day. We walked around the falls again, ate lunch at Kelsey’s and parked it on their patio for the rest of the afternoon. I got nice and tipsy, but sobered up on the ride home. I thought it was a good weekend.
Soon after Niagara, I finally went to his place. His mom was dating a guy in Illinois, so she was never around. His property was clean, huge and beautiful, in the middle of the country. His house was a cute bungalow.
He was in the garage when I arrived. He was taking a swig out of what he called his “garage whiskey”. Apparently, he always had a mickey or twenty-sixer of whiskey in his garage. He gave me a tour of the house, which was clean and tidy and then we headed back outside.
We jumped onto his ATV and took a tour of his property. He had a creek and a forest behind his house. There was a giant tire swing hanging from one of the huge trees, an RV parked on the lawn and a trampoline. There was also an old Malibu parked in the grass; he was using it to teach his son how to drive.
We ripped around for a while and when we got back to the house, he barbecued up some steaks for dinner. We drank the rest of the night away. Three quarters into a bottle of gin, we decided to play on the trampoline. It was a riot. We ended up fucking the shit out of each other on that thing. It was my first-time having sex on a trampoline; it was fun. I hope he sprayed it down before his kids played on it.
We moved to the deck afterwards, talking and looking up at the stars for what felt like hours. It was romantic.
The next day, I felt like a pile of shit. We decided to go for lunch in town. I mustered up enough strength to drink some tea and got ready. He gave me a helmet, we jumped on his motorcycle and headed into Trenton. It was a beautiful day. The ride was a lot of fun. I love riding on the back of a bike. Lunch was just bearable. I was feeling too shitty to enjoy it.
We jumped back on the bike and went for a nice long tour. It was great. When we finally got back to his place, I had a couple of drinks to get me feeling normal and we hung out for a bit longer. I headed home later that evening.
At this point, I was hooked.
We hung out frequently. He would come see me and vice versa. It was great. I didn’t feel like I was always having to see him; which meant I really enjoyed hanging out at his place. My favourite thing was going for long rides on his bike. We did a ton of other fun shit. We would take turns pushing each other on the giant tire swing that swung above his ravine, so if you fell, you were fucked. We would ride his ATV everywhere and he taught me how to shoot a 9mm and a 20-gauge shotgun. We would shoot at old TVs, empty bottles and cans on his property. I loved it! We would put helmets on and he would rip us around on his property in the Malibu. We had a blast; and in case you didn’t already know, alcohol was a staple throughout these little adventures, except for when he was driving his motorcycle.
We had sex in his trailer that was parked on the property. It was hot (literally and sexually).
I ended up meeting his mom one time, but it was brief.
He met some of my younger cousins. They were so cute considering he was at least twenty years older than some of them. The girls thought he was handsome; Nic even giggled and said he reminded her of Tom Cruise. I thought that was adorable.
Alas…things turned rather quickly.
July 2015. I was visiting him more frequently, but he was becoming less intimate. I didn’t get it. I wasn’t the one always calling or texting and he was the one asking me to visit him. I never asked him questions such as, “where is this going?” I mean, we just started seeing each other.
He started saying things, under his breath, like, “yes, this is what I need right now”. When I would ask him what he meant, he would brush it off. My perception was he meant that drinking, sex and fun was what he needed – not a relationship. I was usually in a drunken haze with him, so I didn’t know what I wanted or what I truly saw in him.
Things progressively decayed. He was messaging and calling less. He would bring up other women who apparently wanted his ass. We only had sex when we were wasted, which became redundant and unsatisfying. His whole attitude changed. He became an arrogant man-child; I felt more mature than him. I mean this cock sucker was a dad. Ugh. I was actually becoming disgusted with him.
Red Flag #4 – I should have let his ass go. I was literally at the point of disgust with him. Why continue wasting my energy?
The straw that broke the camel’s back happened when he came out to Cheese’s Jack and Jill (I was surprised he wanted to go). Vic, Cheese and Queen B met him (among others). He was kind of a dick all night; trying to act cool and shit. It was weird. It bugged me, but I distracted myself with booze and the company of the people I loved who were present. We all drank, smoked, played games and shot the shit. It was a fun night. When we were all getting ready to go, I was outside smoking and it was pouring out.
We were hitching a ride with Queen B and my cousin Chelle was with us too. I asked OPP to grab my jacket inside while I held the umbrella and finished my smoke. He refused. He said he would hold the umbrella and I should go inside to get my jacket. I didn’t think anything of this at the time. We hit up the McDonald’s drive thru at Port Union on our way home. I had to pee really fucking badly. While we waited in the long drive thru line up, I asked him if he would shield me with the umbrella outside while I popped a squat (something I do frequently and rather stealthily). I knew of a perfect spot under a tree where no one could see. He refused. Queen B and Chelle kept telling him to do it for me. He kept saying no and complaining that he’ll get wet and I should go out on my own. I didn’t end up going. It was way too rainy out to manoeuvre this all by my lonesome. We scarfed down the food, got to my house without incident and passed out.
The next morning, we went for breakfast. It felt different. He had an air about him that annoyed the shit out of me. Nothing about us felt the same. He went home immediately after.
When I spoke with Queen B, she gave me the lowdown of what it was like to be sober and observe OPP with me. She was appalled at his behaviour. She said that any man who cares and respects a woman will get her jacket and shade her from the rain when she desperately and drunkenly needs to pee; that these are things a real man would do, without hesitation, for his woman. She said that her and Chelle were almost begging him to help me so I could go pee. She said he was just such an asshole about everything and I deserve better, way fucking better. When I replayed the night in my head, I realized that she was right. I became furious. He was such a fucking dick! Vic told me that he didn’t like OPP’s eyes; there was something about his gaze that creeped the shit out of him and would never trust him. I thought that was interesting.
I never saw him after that breakfast. Our texts and phone calls totally diminished with each passing day. We didn’t “break up” as there wasn’t anything to break up. We pretty much “ghosted” each other.
On my birthday in August, his final message to me was he wished me a happy birthday and apologized for not reaching out because he was so busy with his kids. What-the-fuck-ever.
Duration = 2.5 months
Lesson(s) Learned:
- When you receive intel about a man you are newly dating, take it with a grain of salt, but also take it seriously. Everything that the previous woman in his life had outlined in her email about OPP was true.
- When, on your first date (or even first few), a man says something offside (even as a joke) and it doesn’t sit well; don’t laugh it off. Confront him about what he has said, and know that this is probably who he is and it will only get worse. Move the fuck on.
- When you want a relationship and the man shows signs that he doesn’t, move the fuck on. You cannot change his mind, no matter how phenomenal you are. This is another lesson that is repetitive in my repertoire.
- Listen to those who know and love you. When they express concerns, listen. They are telling you because they want the best for you and your happiness.
- When a man refuses to get your jacket and shield you from the rain when you need to pee; move the fuck on. Gentlemen do exist and assholes like this don’t deserve your time or energy. Imagine what else he would refuse to do!
- I’ve said it twice and I will say it again, if you don’t feel the chemistry/fire/spark, move the fuck on. It doesn’t have to be a powerful, kick-in-the-ass revelation, but it’s something fantastic that someone should at least be able to stir inside of you, early on. I never felt it with OPP, and again, my need for attention, affection and distractions trumped my intuition and logic.
