Friday, December 28, 2018. It was three days after Christmas. I was single and not met anyone (nor was I intending to) since the second break up with Big Country two months prior. Big Country even had the fucking audacity to phone/text me once in a blue moon and I stopped responding. I was done; and I was good.
I was at Kol’s house watching the Leafs game. Vic messaged me, asked to meet him downtown with a bunch of his friends. Apparently a group of his homies were heading to a bar downtown with their siblings.
I was not in the mood. It was cold out. It was already after 9pm. It meant I had to drive home, put my game face on, change out of my sweats and drive downtown. I explained this to him, but he wasn’t having it.
He phoned me saying that I needed to come out. He stressed how there was a big group of homies who had a sibling with them. His best friend, Stuart, was there with his wife . I’ve known Stuart since he was a wee boy and he and his wife were in town for the holidays. Another selling point was that Stuart’s cousin was also there and apparently he thought we would be so good together; that we even had matching leather jackets (so random, but he made me laugh).
Minutes later, Stuart himself started messaging me. Here is an excerpt from his side of our conversation:
“I have an extremely talented cousin who likes Asian girls…he’s the hottest of my entire family…he plays every instrument and he was on Broadway for 15 years and he’s not even gay.”
I couldn’t help but fucking laugh. It was too cute. I mean, if that didn’t sell me, what would (although I was not turned on by the “he likes Asian girls” thing, not a great selling point).
He then sent me photos of the Musician. I was super confused at first since they were his fucking wedding photos. When I pointed it out, Stuart then explained that his cousin had been separated for a couple of years and only sent me those photos because he looked good in them.
Red flag? He was still married. Fuck it. I was getting ahead of myself.
I really had nothing better to do. I could’ve surrendered to the evening and gone home to bed, but I decided that Vic and Stuart were compelling enough to get me out of my winter slump.
I boogied home, showered, put my game face on, dressed and was out the door in no time. I met up with Vic at Juangela’s first. He was already drunk. I had a couple glasses of wine and we left to meet up with the rest of the hooligans around 11:30pm.
I don’t remember what bar we ended up at, but the music was good and we almost had the entire venue to ourselves. As soon as I walked in, I was pleasantly surprised to see how big the group was (15 or so); and indeed, everyone was there with a sibling or cousin. I was glad I came!
Vic and Stuart immediately introduced me to the Musician. I felt some sort of invisible pressure. I hoped the Musician was unaware of the attempted hook-up.
He had on a leather jacket similar to the one I was wearing. He wore a hat that covered chin-length hair tucked behind his ears. He was handsome, with a really nice smile. Vic put his arms around the two of us and embarrassingly made comments about how good we looked together.
Drunk-ass Vic.
We all drank, talked and danced when big tunes came on. The DJ was fantastic.
I sat on the opposite end of the table from the Musician, checking him out from time to time, while catching up with the crew.
At one point everyone, except for Stuart and the Musician, left the table. They called me over to sit with them, Stuart pulled up a chair so that I sat between them and he eventually disappeared without a peep.
The mutual attraction revealed itself quickly; flirtation ensued. He was charming, funny and just plain easy to talk to. He mentioned that he and I had crossed paths a few years before, at Stuart’s goodbye party. I remembered that night vividly, but couldn’t place him; he also mentioned that we were not introduced and he was married at the time.
We were enjoying each other’s company, flirting and laughing. He was really into my tattoos; we had quite a long conversation about them.
He was 44. Separated (for almost two years). No kids. Well-travelled. He performed in Rent as Roger in New York on Broadway for years. He was now performing at different venues across the city. I was impressed with his pedigree thus far.
I was glad I took Vic and Stuart up on their invitation. The Musician and I didn’t miss a beat. We were having a good time; focused on one another.
There was something in his eyes….and what a smile.
Meanwhile, Vic kept looking over at us with googly eyes and giving me the “thumbs up”. During one of his gazes over at us he asked a question (can’t remember what), and the Musician hollered back an answer that included the words “my girlfriend”.
“…MY GIRLFRIEND…”
FUCK MY LIFE….
“…MY GIRLFRIEND…”
Did I miss something?
Was I misinterpreting the flirtation?
Disappointment and humiliation poured over me. Vic looked as shocked as I did. My reflex caused me to smack the Musician’s shoulder and said, “you have a fucking girlfriend?!” He giggled and asked if it was bad that he kind of wished he didn’t at that moment. I awkwardly laughed, trying to hide my embarrassment; trying to play “cool”.
He asked if I would’ve actually gone on a date with him if he was single. I told him yes. He reacted in disbelief and disappointment.
AAAAAARRRGGHHHHH!
RED FLAG! RED FLAG! RED FLAG! – HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND
I laughed to myself as I felt like Carrie in that Sex and the City episode; in that moment where she is having a lovely casual walkabout with Burger, making flirtatious assumptions when he drops the “bombs” about his girlfriend, and her quickly imagined fantasy blows up in her pretty little face…
She was a singer…BOOM!…they lived together….BOOM!…they’d been together since he and his ex-wife separated…BOOM!…she was overseas at the moment performing on a cruise ship or some shit….BOOM!
Run Poppy. Fucking run.
I left the table moments later and walked over to Stuart and Vic for further info. I felt like an idiot.
Vic did not know about the girlfriend (he looked more disappointed than I felt); and Stuart said that he had heard that the Musician was seeing someone but had no idea of how serious they were; he had no idea that they lived together. He tried to make me feel better by telling me that she was really young and it wouldn’t last (she was twenty-something…BOOM!).
Notable recurrence – putting my eggs in one basket far before they have even been hatched. I was overly excited about a man I just met; how shocking.
Eventually I shook it off and continued to have a good time with everyone.
As the night wound down, the Musician told us about a gig he was doing that Sunday night and we should come watch. A few of us were on board. I love live music and I wanted to hear his famous pipes.
When we were about to leave, he asked to exchange numbers. I asked what the point of that would be. I was 37 and did not need anymore male friends. He asked how I could deny the chemistry. I did no such thing, but pointed out that he had a girlfriend! He said she would be cool with him meeting new friends.
We talked for a while longer and I gave in and gave him my number. I thought, hey, why not? Could two heterosexual adults who just met and had great chemistry be platonic friends?
Answer = not in my case.
We all hugged each other and dispersed home after last call. I was DD for Vic and crew.
The Musician messaged me while I drove home. I didn’t answer until I got home. Our flirtation continued into the wee hours of the morning.
Honestly, the rush I felt chatting with him was refreshing, dangerous, but refreshing.
He added me to Facebook and we started following each other on Instagram. We chatted until I fell asleep.
Saturday, December 29, 2018. Our chat continued when we woke up and continued throughout the entirety of that day.
I have to admit, our all-day conversation was inappropriate; heavy flirtation borderlining sexting. We sent each other pictures of our tattoos. His entire back is done and it was gorgeous.
I knew it was wrong. I never wanted to be “the other woman”; but the attention and adoration was hard for me to reject.
He invited me to come to the Fox, where he played every Saturday. Apparently he had friends from New York who were in town. I was already out with friends, including Vic and Stuart. I am glad I didn’t.
Sunday, December 30, 2018. We messaged each other again throughout the day. Vic, Stuart and I planned on going to his gig that night; but late that afternoon he informed me that it was cancelled. He invited me to come out for drinks anyway.
I agreed without hesitation. I was excited. I knew it was “just as friends”, but I was fooling myself.
I told my girls about him and our plans that evening. They were not impressed by the girlfriend aspect. Miss D was like hell fucking no. I knew she was right, but fuck it; I was going. Cheese and Kol were excited about it, but the fact that there was a girlfriend did not sit well with anyone. I sent them his photo and the address of the place we were meeting.
I wore a low-cut dress, no bra with black tights and doc Martens; makeup and hair were low-key. I looked good.
I was meeting him at a place called Tiki at 9pm. It was kitschy…think luau. I was late. He was sitting at the bar when I arrived. He looked good.
We split one of their brightly coloured conch cocktails and ordered grilled cheeses. He was a huge flirt from the start. I followed suit. I couldn’t help it, he was charming as fuck and he knew it.
My cleavage was on point and he made no effort to conceal his desire. He asked what my breasts looked like naked. Normally, I would be repulsed if a man asked me this the first time going out, but for some reason, I felt comfortable and confident. I told him they were firm, perky as fuck and I had perfect nipples. He reacted with excitement.
Between the sexy flirting, we talked. We discussed the breakdown of our last serious relationships, travel, etc. I found out that he and his girlfriend became close when his marriage deteriorated. They were friends at first; his “his shoulder to cry on”. She was also a performer, who sometimes sang with him. He told me that if he and I were to become friends, I would need to be comfortable with meeting her/hanging out.
Ugh. Run Poppy. Run.
He said he did not want to start something up while being in a relationship; that he wanted to be friends. I agreed. Again, I did not want to be part of breaking up a relationship; but I also knew that us being friends wasn’t likely.
I kept asking myself – Was he happy with his girl? Was he a cheater? Was she aware of what he was doing and it was all good?
At one point, we were sitting face to face on our bar stools and he put his hands on my legs. He rubbed them up and down and asked what my bare skin was like. I told him straight up, “my skin is supple, smooth, soft like butter; and I’m as tight as a keyhole”. I couldn’t believe what I said. I was literally laughing at myself out loud. (WHO says that?!) He laughed with me.
Around midnight, he mentioned that he had to get going. He had to be on point for his New Year’s Eve gig the next night. As we waited for the bill, I looked down at my phone and as I was distracted, he leaned in and kissed me. It took me by surprise. It was soft, without tongue, sexy.
He paid and when we got up, he asked if we could go to my car and kiss more. I laughed and allowed it. We got into my car and a wave of nerves came over me. I took a deep breath, turned to him and we both went in – slowly, gently. It was so overwhelming that I had to push him away to catch my breath. After a few seconds I pulled him back in and melted into the kiss. I pushed him away again and we said our goodbyes.
I was in a haze – that feeling when a kiss is so good it sets your soul on fire and everything feels dreamy.
What I really needed was to tell myself to snap the fuck out of it.
I messaged Vic before driving away. He happened to be at Laylow bar which was a block away from me. I offered to pick him up.
When I went inside, there he was drunk with his ex. I ordered a beer and gave them a play-by-play about what had transpired. I gushed like a little school girl. They were excited for me, but also knew that it wouldn’t go anywhere. Vic knew exactly how I was feeling; he even said, “He set your shit on fire”.
January 2019. The Musician and I continued texting, let’s be honest, it was sexting by this point. He had sent me a dick pic (he asked if it was ok first) and I sent him a couple of photos of me in lingerie. He was such a flirt and I enjoyed every second of it. Sure, it had crossed my mind that he had a girlfriend and she would be returning any day now; but that didn’t stop me. My morals were on the back burner. I knew he was not going to break up with her to be with me.
He told me that he told his girlfriend about me; I don’t know at what capacity since I didn’t ask.
I was dangerously smitten.
By the second week of the new year our messaging diminished rather quickly. I assumed his girlfriend came home.
Nearing the end of the month he invited Vic and me out to his birthday celebration at Petty Cash where he would be performing. He made sure to let me know that his girlfriend would be there. I told Vic about it and he said that we should stop by because The Musician was super talented and we already had plans to be downtown for Shers’ birthday that night anyway.
What could go wrong?
Friday, January 25, 2019. Vic, our boy Paddington and I walked into Petty around 8pm. It was my first time there. I liked the neon orange lighting. The Musician was performing on the little stage next to the DJ booth. We found a few seats, away from the main crowd. As we scanned the room, the three of us tried guessing which girl was the Musician’s girlfriend. We narrowed it down to two of the cuter girls in the crowd.
Vic knew the Musician’s entire family because of his bestie, Stuart. He made his rounds while Paddington and I sat and drank. The Musician eventually took a break and came over and gave us hugs. We chatted for 30 seconds and then he was on his way. It was the only time I spent with him that night (as expected).
At one point Vic, Paddington, the Musician’s mom and I went for a smoke. Vic asked which girl was the Musician’s girlfriend. She described her and we had picked correctly. His mom pointed out that The Musician normally goes for women that look like me, and she asked, “how are you single?” I smiled and shrugged my shoulders.
When we got back inside we ordered more drinks and then it happened. The girlfriend got on stage and they sang Shallow together, among other songs. They sounded awesome. The longer I sat and listened to them sing while giving each other looks of love, the more nauseous I felt.
I was dejected. The “other woman”. Fucking brutal. Vic could see that I was uncomfortable and asked if I wanted to leave. I did. We chugged our drinks and left without waving goodbye. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
We headed to the other birthday celebration. The Musician was now a minute blip in my past. I had to let it go. I deleted all of our messages and the photos he sent me.
I called the new guy I met the previous Saturday, the Hobbit, to meet up with us. He excitedly obliged. He was single and seemed sweet; it was a perfect time to refocus.
I messaged Stuart about what happened. He told me that it’s his cousin’s loss and definitely not mine. What a sweet brother.
I never spoke with or saw the musician after that night.
Oh Poppy, when will you ever learn?
Lesson(s) Learned:
- Do not engage with a man who has a woman. If you choose to engage with such men, be prepared to suffer the consequences, such as feeling like utter shit when one is faced with the two of them together (the combination of guilt and jealousy is quite the powerful self-esteem killer).
- Being “the other woman” fucking sucks. I highly recommend avoiding this at all costs. Despite the fact that our heavy flirtation only lasted a few weeks and we did not take the physical aspect farther than a makeout, I only ended up feeling shittier than I did before meeting him. Not only that, I would never want to be in his girlfriends’ shoes, so why was I doing this? I had never done this before with someone who was already attached and condemned people who did. Hypocrisy at its finest.
- I repeat. Do not engage with a man who has a woman. I had to stop fooling myself. With all of the overt attraction, the likelihood of the two of us developing a platonic friendship was pretty much nil. I literally set myself up for failure. I am not saying that a friendship was impossible, but I was far too attracted to him to be able to switch off and try to be “just friends”; especially after our “non-date”.
- When you encounter someone who you feel that spark with, that sexual/mental/physical chemistry, enjoy that feeling and bask in it because it is exciting; but remember to move the fuck on if the other person is in a relationship. If they’re single, then hallelujah!
- Safety first. Always send your loved ones the name, address and photo (if available) of the person you’re meeting up with. I always do this when heading out with someone new.
