August 2018. It was one of the last weekends of summer. I was nervous about hanging out with Big Country for the first time in over 6 months AND his parents. I hadn’t seen them since Christmas.
When I got to his parent’s place, he was already there. I was shocked when I saw him. He looked emaciated. He was already a lean guy, but he looked too skinny. I mentioned it briefly and his mom made a comment to me about it too.
Other than that, it was good to see him. He was all smiles, all night. We had a nice time. We ended the night with a hug and he said he would call me.
September 2018. During one unplanned weekend, Vic and I ended up going to a downtown pub with Shers’ for one of her co-worker’s birthday celebrations. Big Country texted and phoned. He was at a friends’ wedding. We talked for a bit and told me to phone him when I was on my way home.
I did.
I was buzzing from the gin and sodas. I was in a great mood. It was a fun night and I was excited to chat with him.
After Shers dropped us home, he and I continued our convo while I smoked in front of the house. We were both tipsy and happy to talk. I don’t remember what we talked about, but he ended it by asking me to have dinner with him. I excitedly obliged.
We met at Red Lobster (his favourite) when I finished work. It was the first time seeing each other in person in months. We parked next to each other and shared a big hug. His hug felt the same as before, passionless. That’s what he always lacked – passion, intimacy, romance.
Run Poppy. Fucking run.
I was happy to see him and curious about what was going to transpire. We started off with niceties, ordered drinks and talked about work.
It did not take long before he was asking how I would feel if we gave “us” another try.
I asked him if he was serious.
I asked him if he actually wanted me to be his girlfriend, if he was ready to put in real effort.
I asked him if he was going to be monogamous.
He said “yes”. He said that over the last few months, he had done a lot of thinking about the whole “relationship thing” and came to the conclusion that he loved, missed and wanted to be with me.
I said I would love it, but only if he was honestly ready to commit, to grow, really see where it could go, to spend more time with me, communicate regularly, etc.
He said he was ready, he was all in. He said he was excited.
I was happy and excited.
The rest of dinner was pretty good. We had a few drinks, stuffed our faces, had some laughs. He was proactive with the “I still want to buy a cottage with you” talk. He explained how much he missed me and how he never stopped caring for or loving me. I was delighted to hear all of it. My patience and “faith” had been worth it.
After a couple of hours, he paid the bill and we walked out.
We gave each other a kiss and hug and he told me to give him a call.
When I got in the car I was feeling pretty pumped. But then as I drove away and thought of our conversation and the hug and kiss good-bye, I felt that gnawing feeling in my gut again.
He wasn’t a naturally lovey/dovey kind of man, but something felt “off”. I chalked it up to leftover nerves from all the emotional stress I went through the last 8 months.
I’d learn later that it wasn’t.
From that evening on, he was less communicative. I was always reaching out to him.
It felt like how it was before; one-sided; loveless. I wanted to test him, so I purposely did not call him the first weekend after we “got back together”. I didn’t hear from him. I phoned him the following week to hang out. He told me he already had plans.
He did not actually make any plans with me until almost three weeks after our Red Lobster dinner.
He was back to his old bullshit. There was no change. He seemed shady as fuck.
Run Poppy. Fucking run and don’t look back.
We made plans with his bestie, Ben and his wife, Kay (yes, the one who posted the infamous Canada Day photos). They were coming to Big Country’s place for steaks, dessert and drinks.
I was excited to see them! Kay was fabulous.
It started out in typical fashion. The guys drank beer and barbecued on the deck and Kay and I gossiped in the kitchen, gulping wine. She asked about what happened between Big Country and I.
I told her every single detail and finished the last of it by the time our dinner was coming back into the house.
Dinner was delicious and we were in good company. When we finished, the guys headed out to the yard to start the bonfire while Kay and I cleaned up.
This was when Kay asked if I knew about “Lina”.
I point blank said, “nope, but I assume that she was the one in the Canada Day photos?”
I was right.
She quickly and candidly opened up and said that Lina was crazy, cranky, obsessed with Big Country and just plain unlikable. I was eating it all up. I asked her if she was just being nice, but she was flat out serious.
Lina and Big Country had been seeing each other since early winter. (So pretty much right after New Year’s). He brought her out to events/parties, but never (like me) referred to her as his girlfriend.
It was satisfying to know that this chick was as miserable as she looked in the photos and that no one took a liking to her, but I also felt shitty. He claimed he loved me, missed me and was loyal to me.
He was a liar.
We finally went out and joined the guys by the fire. It was fine until a “neighbour” came down the driveway. Awesome.
He came out and Big Country introduced everyone as his friends, including me. Kay gave me the coldest eye and mouthed the word “friend?”
I was livid.
The dude sat with us for the length of a beer. He was nice. I hadn’t met him before.
Ben and Kay hung out for a few more drinks. It was great to see them! I enjoyed their company.
After they left and we cleaned up together, I asked him who Lina was. He explained that she lived in town. They met through his racist farmer friend down the road. He said that she was nice, but also crazy; she was always hanging around.
He said they were so over.
I asked why he introduced me as a “friend”. His answer, “I don’t want my neighbours to know my business”.
Translation = I don’t want my neighbours finding out that I have a girlfriend because it will get back to Lina.
I had heard enough.
I changed the subject and we moved on.
We did not have sex that night.
Great start.
October 2018. After dinner with Ben and Kay, life did not get any better. He was back to the old calling me every 3-5 days bullshit.
He was more distant than he was when we first started seeing each other the first time.
Shouldn’t have been the opposite? When a couple reignites their fire, usually all you want to do is devour each other.
Well, there was never any fire to begin with.
The next time we hung out was Thanksgiving at his parent’s house. I picked him up at his place, ditched my car and we took his truck. When I pulled in, he was sitting in his garage. He looked hungover, sickly and thin.
I helped his mom and sister-in-law prep dinner. We drank wine and his mom asked if we were back together. I told her we were. She then asked if I was sure (odd). She had skepticism in her expression.
What was she hiding? Was I missing something?
Big Country was distant that day. He kept to himself in the family room while everyone else was in the backyard and kitchen. When I went to check on him, he just said he was tired.
Dinner went well except he didn’t have an appetite and wasn’t very social. My thoughts were he was probably up partying the night before.
He looked like all he did that summer was work, drink and “party”.
We went back to his place after and hung out on the couch and had a few more drinks. He was absent, disengaged.
We had sex that night, passionless, jack rabbit, had-to-fake-it fucking.
I never wanted to do it again with him.
When I drove home the next day, reflecting on our relationship; I realized that I wasn’t happy, but refused to end it. I still wanted to be with him and I was hoping it would work out in my favour.
Again, I felt disappointed, deflated.
We didn’t hang out again until a couple of weeks later. He always had an excuse or other plans when I tried to initiate spending time together. He had control (as always). So many times I wanted to drop by his place (if neighbours could do it, then why couldn’t I?); but I was honestly afraid that another woman would be there.
Run Poppy. Run.
Anyway, we were invited to his friends’ Halloween party. (The high school crew). He was playing hockey beforehand, so he left his key under the mat. I arrived at his place about an hour before he got home.
When I went inside, I rummaged. I went through almost every drawer and cupboard looking for evidence of another woman. There was a woman’s scarf in the closet, shampoo, conditioner and a hairbrush with clumps of brown hair in it in his bathroom. I grabbed a garbage bag and threw it all out.
I cleaned out his fridge while I waited for him. When he walked in the door all he said was “you didn’t have to do that”. No smile, no kiss, no love.
We got ready together. I was in the washroom doing my hair and makeup while he showered. His back was facing me. It was the first time I saw him naked in bright lighting in a long time. He was too thin. His ass sagged. I was surprised.
He turned around and asked if I was happy that we were together again. I lied and said yes. He lied and said he was happy too.
The lack of excitement, joy and happiness was palpable.
We took an Uber to the party. I liked this group of friends. I got big hugs and everyone whispered that they were happy to see me again, especially Sean Mel. I was excited to see them. Mel and I spent a lot of the night catching up.
She gave me more insight into the Lina/Big Country saga. She described her the way Kay did – sour, bitchy, possessive, etc.
She told me that Lina and Big Country first hooked up when his ex-girlfriend moved out.
So essentially he went from Lina, to me, to her and then back to me. Or, more likely, he dated both of us at the same time.
Run Poppy, take what’s left of your dignity and self-respect and fucking run.
I got as drunk as possible so I could sleep that night. Sean and Mel drove us home.
I passed out, he made us breakfast the next morning and I left without incident.
A week later he phoned. He said “Poppy, you’re not going to want to hear this, but I can’t do this anymore”. I lost it. What was his problem?! Why get back together with me if he was obviously unsure?!
His tone was that of a pathetic loser. He kept apologizing, but at the same time, said that he would always love me, I was a great woman and hoped that one day he would figure his shit out and we could be together. I told him that I hoped for the same thing. The sick thing was, my heart wanted nothing to do with him.
I was confused, angry, exhausted; but I did not cry.
Like, what the fucking cock sucking manipulative bullshit was he spewing?!
When we were saying our good-bye’s, he ended with “I love you and we’ll talk soon”.
Run Poppy, take what’s left of your dignity and self-respect and fucking run.
I called Miss D. She came over and together we went to see J. She just had her second baby. It was a beautiful distraction from the bullshit in my life. We stayed for a couple of hours and then headed back to my house. We sat and talked over wine.
I was fucking pissed off and dejected; but more importantly, relieved.
So, of course I did the smart thing, I called him while Miss D was over. I asked him if he wanted to maintain a friendship, and he did. Why was I doing this to myself? Why did I need to be validated by a man?!
What was I thinking?!!!?
After Miss D left, I headed to bed and messaged Kay. I gave her the break-up scoop. She was surprised and annoyed.
She also said I was better off.
His last serious relationship ended because he was the same. She wanted to get married and have children but he was too focused on fishing, hunting and himself.
This information made me feel better.
I slept like a baby.
After that second “break-up” he would text me “how are you” randomly, but that eventually faded. The more time spent away from him, the better I felt. I did not yearn for him. I did not pine for him. I did not love him.
I finally started feeling free from the emotional shackles I had kept myself bound by.
